Mankato Wine Critic Tries, Reviews Bud Lite Peach-a-Rita

Stubble: As professional wine reviewer, tell me your first impression of the Bud Lite Lime Peach-a-Rita.
Leigh: My first impression is that this shit sucks. It’s got a really weird kind of a… there must be beer in here, a beer base with peach flavoring, either that or they put a margarita in a meat grinder and just load it in. What’s it say right here [inspects the can] oh, ok MALT beverage with natural flavors. Yuck.

Stubble: So first impression is not good.
Leigh: Not good is a high compliment. Look, you’re going to have to drink the rest of this because I’m not having it. It’s like a juxtaposition between a malt beverage, which is OK, and margarita, which is also OK, but it takes the worst of each and puts them both in this freakin’ can!

Stubble: So you wouldn’t agree with my observation before that perhaps a Peach-a-Rita could be a nice segue for wine drinkers like yourself into cocktails and beer?
Leigh: I think I would rather CRASH a segway that drink this.

Stubble: Ah OK. So if you can, could you grade the Peach-a-Rita like it were a wine?
Leigh: Well, the scale that’s used now for wine is typically a 100 point scale, across the board. If a wine gets below an 80, it’s not very good. Even cheap wine today is not so badly made on that scale. If a wine is significantly flawed, it’ll be in the 60’s or 70’s and that’s about as low as it will go. So on a wine scale I’d call this a… 30. It’s obviously well-made, but it’s like mixing two very bad metaphors. We talk about the whole being better than the some of the parts – like in a great wine, you have the soil, the weather, the grapes, and a winemaker is the shepherd of that process. He or she adds some spices or seasoning, subtly not dominating the wine, to give it personality. And when you taste an older wine – like the kind we had recently, the Tulocay “Cadman label” Cabernet Sauvignon – you just open up the bottle and smell and think: “My God, that’s incredible!”

Stubble: Perhaps we could let these can sit in the woods for 10 years and see how they’d do.
Leigh: I suspect that they’d rot through the cans. I would guess that the best thing with these is that they’re cute – the peachy, pink color and the size. You should shake the heck out of them and then spray it at somebody and that’s probably the best thing you could do with it. In fact, if you spray it on Donald Trump it would make him a better man.

Stubble: So Peach-a-Rita, to summarize, really bad.
Leigh: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Leigh Pomeroy is a wine reviewer and the co-editor of vox verax.

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